Northamptonshire woman calls for better bereavement care after partners death
Debbie Panter from Higham Ferrers lost Doug in 2021.
A leading bereavement and palliative care charity is calling for better access to bereavement support for those who have lost a loved one, as new figures show 88% who have had a bereavement feel alone in their grief.
The ‘Grief Deserves Better Campaign’ by Sue Ryder highlights the importance of meaningful support through grief, something that 1 in 8 don’t feel they are receiving whilst grieving, with 1 in 10 not knowing where to find the right bereavement support.
Despite the majority of people (97%) holding on to mementos of the person they’re grieving and four in five people (80%) saying memories help them cope with grief, they cannot replace proper support.
Two-thirds (62%) worry they will forget what their loved one’s voice sounds like or how they looked over time.
Debbie Panter from Higham Ferrers found support with Sue Ryder when she lost her husband Doug in 2021, but says she found there were long waits for some counselling services, and heard some people would cross the road as they didn't know what to say to a person grieving.
Debbie's Story:
Amid the Covid-19 pandemic in March 2021, Debbie husband Doug died after prolonged period of ill health. Just before the first anniversary of Doug’s death, Debbie discovered the Sue Ryder Online Bereavement Community and uploaded her first post.
Debbie says,
“Now I go on it every day. The community has helped me a lot, especially in the early days because there were lots of emotions I was feeling – you say to yourself ‘is this normal’ but reading other’s experiences lets you know that it is.”
Debbie and Doug lived together in Higham Ferrers, Northamptonshire, and Debbie explains that Doug had been ill for several years before he died:
“He had refractory anaemia, sleep apnoea, type 2 diabetes, and asthma. I had been his carer for some time. We had a great day the day before he died. He told me he loved me. The next day, he couldn’t get out of bed and couldn’t talk. I realised afterwards he was in the process of dying. Me and my daughter got to the hospital just in time to see him go. He just drifted off. It was a good way to die.”
Debbie explains how she has used Sue Ryder’s Online Bereavement Support to help her navigate her grief. “I can tell people things on the forum I would never dream of sharing with even my own children. When I’m feeling awful and I don’t know where to turn, the forum is the place to go. If you’re having a down day, you can go on and say how you’re feeling, and someone always responds almost straight away.”
And as Debbie learns to live with her bereavement, she has found ways to support herself.
“It’s interesting how people approach grief differently. Some people don’t like having photos around, but I love them and have them everywhere. I have a shrine in the garden where I scattered his ashes and talk to him every night before bed. Sometimes, I swear at him for leaving me. I keep some special clothes in the wardrobe, and often go to just feel them and touch them. I still send him birthday and Christmas cards and buy him something to put in the garden. He’s centrally part of my life. He may not be here physically, but he’s here in my heart.”